” But more importantly, so much of what is happening now echoes Andy’s previous preoccupations and patterns of behaviour.  Any claims that he has changed are rendered more and more unlikely as time goes by, given this repetition.  Putting aside the money issue, why is it that once more Andy is developing a scheme that allows him to lead a large group of people in a fandom-related event?  Particularly LARPing, given his history?  If he has really changed, why does he still want to do the same things as he always has?  Why does he constantly need to feel so important?

If Andy wants us to believe that he has changed, then he has to actually, you know, change.”

( http://1purp0se.tumblr.com/post/71975213737/camp-orouboros-ii)

I’ve been thinking about this comment and I want to expand on it. I mean, I still want many of the same things I always wanted, the same things that got me in trouble. I don’t mean the cult, I mean the dumbshit fandom Tentmoot fuckupery.

I’m one of those overinvolved people who gets WAY too into whatever they’re into. Although I don’t do fandom these days, I’m just as “fannish” and geeky about what I am into; dancing with the Thriller group, working at my son’s preschool, whatever craft project I’m doing, writing, movies.

I still want to be admired, respected and liked. Sure, who doesn’t,  but I have a real capital-N-Need for attention. In my fandom days, I wanted to do big things – like themed parties and creative events.  I didn’t know much about how large – scale events are run, but I figured that I had learned from multiple large projects in high school, and had done a good job running the TV station in college. Granted, the high school events pretty much failed and the TV station was so small it was three A/V geeks* fooling around with almost no actual responsibilities, but at the time I thought it was a stellar resume.

Fail CatI might have been able to pull off events like the Line Party without Andy complicating things,  but they probably wouldn’t have been much better. Even Project Elanor probably wouldn’t have gone any more smoothly. Sure, I wouldn’t have had the lies about who was/wasn’t committing to do things, but ultimately I am sure it would have been just as disorganized, chaotic and flaily.

How have I changed? I have a much better idea of what I can actually handle, both in time and stress. I do research on projects before I start, or if I’m improvising,  I limit the scope so that if it goes pear-shaped the chaos is manageable.  I don’t take leadership roles unless I actually know what I’m doing. I say no to things I don’t know I can commit to. In short, I don’t depend on others to “keep an eye” on me. Maturity means that maybe you aren’t the right person for the job, even if you think you really really are. Maturity means letting other people have the ideas and creativity.

I realize this is a shock, but I need to be special. It’s a blizzard on the internet, but I’m a snowflake too, goddammit. Aside from Andy’s intense attention, I got a lot of that special snowflake high from the events we were putting on. Today I know that I am not well suited to managing a big social/fannish event, not as the head of it. I get my “special” from only taking on what I can handle and doing a fucking kickass job with my contribution. I still throw parties and movie nights, they just don’t need permits, or pages of indoctrination. I put a lot of time perfecting my own work instead of creating perfect events. Best of all, by not dominating or orchestrating everything, other people have taught me a lot through their good ideas, last-minute fixes and esoteric skills.

When I was organizing the big events, I thought I knew what I was doing. When I actually know what I’m doing, I have at least some grasp on how much I don’t know.

Excellent!

Excellent!

Andy hasn’t changed his behavior in any significant way. His plans are every bit as poorly thought out and grandiose, using all the same strategies. 1purp0se is absolutely correct; if Andy had changed, he wouldn’t be rebooting his own failed projects. He wouldn’t have anyone discussing his history if he quit repeating it.

*A/V geeks were, back in the long long ago time, nerds who played with VCRs and projectors. This was before mobile computers existed and when phones literally only made phone calls.

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