Well, here we are. The Chief Inquisitor, as I called her in this post, left me a comment. And posted a link to my blog on her blog. Just describing this chain of fuckery makes me want to put my head right through my keyboard. But wait, in case you thought we were beyond passing notes in gym class: the link was forwarded to her by a “former high school friend” of mine. Which is…weird. I’m not friends with that many people from high school. I’ll admit that I’m curious, although I’m not particularly angry about it. Though whoever you are? You can say it to my face. Really. You don’t need to be a creeper.
Mmmmm. The blood of my enemies.
I’ve been trying to tell my side of the story a little at a time. There are a number of reasons for this, including that it’s complex as hell and needs to be put in manageable chunks. Also, it wasn’t fun. Oh sure, I loved parts of it. The travel. Hollywood. The friends I made. Those parts? I love writing about that, because it makes me happy to go back and relive those experiences. But this stuff? This is some of the most awful stuff I ever went through. Especially the stuff I’ll be talking about in this post. Because I’m not a con-artist or a bad person. I actually do feel shitty about things I did, and lies I told. I don’t enjoy reliving betraying my friends, hurting people I loved, shaming myself and my family, and ultimately badly scarring my life.
And to have something I worked hard on and genuinely loved called a scam.
So let me back up, for those of you who met me later and don’t know my sordid past. First off, stop and go read this. And then read parts four and five of Why I Don’t Believe In God. I have talked about some of this before, and I don’t really care to repeat myself. Especially since Jeanine, the woman who published a book of my guilt and shame
I regret that I have but one face to palm.
Since I said I’d reply point for point to her comment, I’m going to blockquote it. And then I’m going on with my life. Which includes this blog; I am not going to resign myself that I can’t do any good in the world because I fucked up when I was young. I am not going to be silenced by fear. And I am going to keep telling my story in hopes that it helps other people who are there. Hopefully people who won’t have to spend the rest of their lives defending themselves for being victims. Just because someone has made mistakes and hurt people does not mean they deserve to be abused.
Sometimes, people even learn from their mistakes. Crazy, right? Shut those bitches up!
In 2003, the Marion County Sheriff came to my door and inquired about the whereabouts of Jordan Wood, whom, the detective claimed, was actually named Amy Player. I called the two of you and asked WTF could possibly be going on. You and “Jordan,” TOGETHER, explained to me that Amy was one of “Jordan’s” ex-girlfriends, and that the two of you had driven Amy to the Oregon Coast and dropped her off. YOU, Abbey, gave me specific details about what Amy was wearing, the exact place where you parted ways, etc. Later in the conversation, I don’t recall if it was you or “Jordan,” but someone pointed out that Amy mentioned she was “sailing into the West.” YOU specifically noted that there was no place to sail along the rocky coast where you dropped Amy off. The two of you “suddenly realized” that sailing into the West is LOTR-speak for dying/killing herself. Oh, so dramatic, all the wailing and gnashing of teeth that followed. A fine performance.
Yes. I did that. We were in a dollar-store parking lot, on a payphone. Jordan had planned out every line of what he was going to say, and exactly what I was supposed to say. There was a script. I had fought against faking his death so that he could live as a man. I still hate that I was involved, although his parents have forgiven me for my part in it. I’m grateful for that, especially now that I have a child. I am still sorry for their pain.They’re nice people; very religious and conservative, and not prepared at all for the child they ended up with. I am still in touch with them, in fact.
They're good people who didn't deserve what they've gotten either.
And yes, I am most definitely sorry I lied to you. And I know that doesn’t matter, because you will reject both my apology and the truth because you decided long before I started talking that I was forever guilty and bad. Yes, I chose to obey Jordan and lie to you for him. I was legally an adult and responsible for my own actions. However it is also true that Jordan was standing right there, inches away from me, staring into my eyes the entire time, mouthing please, please, please. Surely you remember the way those eyes could bore into you.
Everyone always remembers his eyes, with or without the fake blue lenses.
As we know, Amy Player and “Jordan” are the same person. You and Jordan deliberately misled me into believing that there was a suicidal young lady with no friends, money or resources, somewhere in Depoe Bay. I argued with the sheriff over this. I tried to convince him to concentrate on finding this poor girl on the coast.
Yep. That also happened, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it now. And of course I know that Amy Player and Jordan Wood (and Andrew Blake) were and are one person. But at the time, and again, I know you will discard this, I really believed Amy had “died.” That was the only thing that got me to participate. I let myself be convinced that it would be more unkind for Amy’s parents to live with someone impersonating their daughter; that it was better that it be a clean break, that it would work because of blah blah blah elves etc. etc. Whatever it took to convince me, he did it. He convinced you of a lot of things too, and I do not understand why you find it impossible that I was conned by him too.
I wish I had been lying, because then I wouldn't have to admit I believed this humiliating bullshit.
I agree completely that Amy is a master manipulator. Little Sam also described the cultish atmosphere “Jordan” created just like you did. But nowhere in this blog, Abbey, do I see any acknowledgement of the things YOU did, to contribute to this situation. Do you accept any responsibility for the lies you told? Do you even admit to them? Because you delivered some whoppers, Abbey.
I’m sorry, nowhere in this blog do I accept responsibility? The blog you didn’t read? And you know this how? And you know that I’ve never accepted responsibility personally? Look at your friends list; we have friends in common, and they have forgiven me. I have never claimed I did nothing wrong. It would be less humiliating if your accusations were true. If I just conned you, just did it for money, I could own that and just be sorry. Greed is a motivation anyone can understand. Instead I have to admit that I believed my transgendered girlfriend was also Lord Elrond, my pseudo-father.
I had major daddy issues at the time.
You attacked your former friends, sometimes at their place of work, calling them vicious names and telling them in no uncertain terms to go to hell. Maybe you were only doing it because “Jordan” brainwashed you… but YOU did it. Have you accepted any responsibility for hurting those people? Do you even admit to it? Because I’ve talked to at least 3 of them, and they were all shocked and deeply hurt.
Yes, I brutally cut off my friends. And my family; my greatest shame is how much I hurt my mother when I cut her off. With a hand written “95 Thesis” of why she was a bad mother. In Jordan’s handwriting. I can’t even write about that without an actual lump coming into my throat. Most of that book was “recovered memories” that never happened. I am forever blessed that she is, contrary to what Jordan said, an incredible mother, who was ready to catch me and help me rebuild. We ceremoniously burned that book after (again) a lot of family therapy.
I generally abhor burning books, but I am glad I turned that journal of lies to smoke.
Some friends that I cut off have forgiven me, including ones who you have “heard from.”Others did not accept my apology, and that’s their right. Because I was a cunt to them (and I don’t use that word lightly). But I did in fact apologize and try to own my behavior. And I most certainly did not cut anyone off at their place of work. My mother, I left in a restaurant in Los Angeles. One friend I attacked in her home. Two I argued with and left in the toy store at Lloyd Center Mall in Portland. And the big blowout in San Dimas, when the convention fell apart? That was…in the apartment in San Dimas. You are the one who came to my place of business. And yes, it does count as a workplace. It was a legal (if not terribly dignified) pursuit, and it was my livelihood. And you came there, screamed and yelled, interfered with tourists taking pictures and then bragged about it.
Oh look, here's a picture of me that you took on that trip.
You took money from me (and from many others), telling lies about where it was going and why it was needed. You were convicted of charity fraud by the State of Oregon, specifically because you stated, on stage in front of hundreds of witnesses, that $3000 had been raised for Reading is Fundamental, but you never sent them the money. Have you made any effort to set that right? Do you even admit to doing it? ‘Coz I have a copy of the ruling from the Dept. of Justice, if you need a reminder.
No, that is not true Jeanine, and you know it. I was not convicted of anything. I was accused and investigated, and I signed a voluntary agreement (that I also still have a copy of) There is a big fucking difference. Go look at the copy you have. It says right across it that it is not an admission of guilt. And it isn’t for claiming we made money and stealing it (which never happened). It was for running a raffle without the correct documentation and for not having written permission from RiF to use their name in any charity endeavors. I have never been arrested, never been tried in a court, and never been convicted. Jordan was charged with identity theft, but the case was dropped when it became apparent he was trying to change his identity, not steal someone else’s. He was arrested, he went to the courthouse, where those charges were dropped. Period. The fact that I can’t solicit donations in the State of Oregon is the only lasting effect of this agreement.
It's a legal document. If you actually read it, it's all there.
I was incompetent, I’ll fess up to that immediately. But I was not a thief. At the time I made the announcement in the movie theater, that’s how much money I thought we had made. I still have the file of receipts that I sent you copies of waay back in the day. We weren’t stealing the money; we were amateurs. Things cost far more than they should have. Such as the permits for the music festival (which I wasn’t even a part of; that was while I was emptying my house), which I guess ended up costing more because they weren’t done in advance? Which is Jordan’s standard modus operandi; everything’s an emergency. Like those two kids who just got married and suddenly needed money for immigration paperwork. Like how he frantically tried to cover that he’d never booked any airfare for the convention. And on top of that, I didn’t handle the finances. Jordan claimed he knew all about it, because of all his secret Hollywood insider knowledge that I believed he had.
Because of that whole Elijah Wood thing. I'm so glad everyone has to know about that.
Yes, we borrowed money from you and others, and that money was to move to Los Angeles and get settled in, so we could run our fanclub from there. We used the money…to move to Los Angeles. That the fanclub fell apart (i.e. exploded because of lies and incompetence) does not retroactively make the intent of the move a lie. We weren’t living high on the hog either. At the time, I poured just about everything I had into Bit of Earth. And I didn’t have anything but unemployment (which I had rightfully, as I was dropping off exactly the required number of applications, and as I was laid off and that’s what unemployment’s for.) Once we were in Hollywood, you gloried on reporting that we were begging. We were. Not conning strangers for money or thrills, but pretending that we were stranded without gas so we could buy enough to eat. For a few weeks we lived on produce we picked in the neighborhood in San Dimas. To this day, oranges taste like hunger to me.
At least we knew we wouldn't get scurvy from all the Top Ramen.
Notice a theme here?
I sure do. You take half-truths, trump them up and bleat them all over. Which doesn’t help stop Jordan, which I also want to do. It isn’t helping his victims now, and it made it that much harder for me to get out. Ultimately, between your own lies (oh yes, I think deliberate misrepresentation counts as lying when you do it too) and your absurd insistence on harping on the money and on calling him “her,” you’re helping Jordan hurt other people.
It is indeed about power, but it is all HIS power.
I hope for your sake, and your child’s sake, that you are sincere in your desire to overcome this insane incident in your life. Maybe you ought to think a little about accepting that you were an active participant, not just a poor hapless victim. Maybe you ought to think a little about making reparations. Because I don’t think you can truly heal from this until you acknowledge your role in it. That’s my $.02
Maybe you ought to think about actually reading what I’ve written before you start screaming that I’m not sincere. And perhaps you don’t know shit about the years of recovery it took just to get where I am now. You can keep your $.02; I’m worth more. If it makes you feel any better, you have unquestionably gotten your money’s worth in suffering. You drove us on to the streets. You personally ensured we were homeless. You openly said you hoped we would be forced into prostitution. You silenced me for years, and allowed Jordan to start up his newest cult and hurt more people. Way to fight for what’s right, Jeanine. Good job. I know you were hurt in all this too, and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry you had to deal with the fallout, that you had to stress about money. But in your zeal to get him locked up you’re handing him the keys to keep his victims trapped. He uses your inaccurate and dramatized versions of the truth to bolster his claims. And as long as you refuse to acknowledge the extent of his evil (and the actual ways he carries it out), you’re serving him too.
I am not ashamed.
Off the Rails 
I’m not a member of any fandom nor have I ever been, and like other strangers I found this blog through a link elsewhere, but I wanted to tell you that I’ve been very touched by your willingness to make amends and make your past mistakes known in your own voice. It’s more difficult than a lot of people think to admit when you’ve been wrong or mislead even when the stakes are low. When there’s a lot of public visibility to it, it gets even harder. When you yourself bought into the falsehoods hook, line, and sinker, it gets nearly impossible.
As a sufferer of an acute anxiety disorder myself, I can strongly empathize with how difficult this whole process must be for you. It takes a lot of courage and strength of character to be able to come forward and be so candid about one’s past mistakes, let alone expose oneself to the criticism of those who were impacted by the situation and perhaps not completely understanding of the impact it had on you yourself. I really admire you for making this blog, and your tone alone speaks volumes about your motivations in doing so.
You strike me as a genuinely good person who truly wants their life to move forward in ways that improve the circumstances of yourself and those around you, and I firmly believe that no matter what one’s past behavior has entailed it is fully within their reach to turn things around and become the kind of genuine, constructive person that they want to be. I’m glad that you’ve found a way to escape from your past, and I’m positive you’re someone who will contribute their best to life. Cheers 🙂
You don’t know me, but through a series of link to link to link, I found your blog. This, and others like it (especially your last one) are especially interesting. And have a familiar ring. Is there any way to send you a pm? I promise I just want to talk, but would like to so privately.
Thank you.
Sure Katz, I have a yahoo mail under kumquatwriter.
Hi Abbey,
I might as well leave a comment here like everyone else. Yes, I got here from Fandom_Wank, which was also where I first heard of Amy/Jordan/Andy several years ago. I’m not sure when but was definitely when you were still in Hollywood. I read through everything I could find because i found it just… fascinating. I went through all the Fandom_Wank stuff and all through Turimel’s LJ as well.
It did start out as entertainment, because – well it’s so odd. I really, really hope I don’t offend you by saying that, since it’s not my intention (and I wouldn’t say it if I still felt that way, anyway, I’d just read and eat popcorn and not comment). But it was so strange and so removed that it was easy to just see everyone as characters in a movie, like, “This cannot HAPPEN in real life!”. I fell off the story for a year or two when pretty much nothing happened, did hear when Andrew Blake was outed as Jordan, and fell off again. Coming back to what Andrew is currently doing has connected it more to reality and to a sense of how dangerous he is. How he’s more than a con artist or an irresponsible crazy person, he’s someone who enjoys holding power over others and controlling their lives.
I do want to commend you for being so open here. Even more, this puts a human face onto things (and, well, sort of removes Andrew’s all the more – which frankly I think is appropriate) and your struggle to regain your life is amazing. I’m glad you overcame what you were left with. There are a lot of people who would, I think, have to hit lower than you did. I also don’t find it hard to believe that Jordan was, and is, an incredibly charming and sympathetic person with an answer for everything. What particularly rang true for me was what you said about his using doubt as a punishment, with so much hingeing on the story being true. Based on that I can understand why you would do anything that he told you to do.
…I had a few things about Turimel, and trust, and so forth that I was going to mention here, then I realized that this is about two weeks old now, I’m reading these in order, and I haven’t read what’s on her LJ yet (since I’m trying not to read out of order). So I have no idea what place you two have reached yet. I’ll suffice it to say that I understand why she is angry at you and I understand why you are angry at her and I hope that you’re both able to accept that about the other, forgive, and move on. I do hope that both of you can work together to stop Andrew. Other than that, I’ll just leave this as my response to you.
Anyway: just, congratulations on pulling out of that, on your hard work, and on your family; your son is beautiful. Best wishes to you.
Signed, some creepy person you totally don’t know who is genuine in wishing you well, in any case. ^^; (aka Rebecca.)
For years I’ve watched this back and forth, with spectators on the side encouraging the principles to fight one another. You admit you secretly contacted Jeanine to inform her that Amy Player was actually Andrew Blake. So, you had her go after Andy when it suited your purposes. I don’t blame you for that.
After reading your blog, I have new sympathy for you. I don’t believe you are completely clean in all of this (and you don’t claim to be,) but I never really believed you were an evildoer. I never thought that about anyone who got involved with Amy/Andrew. I’d been suckered into a fan cult back in the 1980’s and know what you went through. Also involving elves. I never got as deeply involved as you did, but like Scientologists, I got years and years of shit from people involved in the cult. Leaving meant you were evil. Any kind of criticism meant you were evil.
Years after I got away from the cult, more than fifteen years after, I was finally able to reconnect with people who’d been abused by it. We all hugged and apologized and admitted we’d been duped, and treated one another like dirt in service of…WTF? A form of narcissism, the belief we were special, magical beings, perhaps.
Whatever in us was lacking, we bought what some creep sold us. The closer we got to the source of the lie, the better we felt, until we realized that nothing came from the lies, just a feeling of belonging that evaporated when we realized that outside our little circle of elf special, there was nothing, nothing in the whole world. People got married and divorced within the elf cult, everything was done within the elf cult. Childbirths were controlled by the elf cult: babies had to be surrounded by the spirit of the elves, so that the elves could enter the baby’s body and channel the elf into this world. Everybody lived the lives of cartoon characters instead of real lives.
Some sick shit.
Unlike some of the people posting to this thing, I also have compassion for Turimel and the others still angry at Amy. I can understand how hurtful it is to have someone who accepted your hospitality, your help, turn on you. This also happened to me. While I think Turimel may have been overboard at times, the fandomwankers who have gleefully chronicled every moment of all of this really aren’t in a position to judge. I’m not going to get in anyone’s face and tell them how they should or should not process their anger, or grief, or anything else. Hell, I once believed a man who claimed “In many ways, I am an elf!” and things went down from there. Who am I to judge?
I don’t believe Turimel lied, she told the truth as she saw it. I don’t believe you’re lying here, you tell the truth as you saw it. When dealing with one of the People of the Lie, truth is plastic, because the manipulator keeps moving the goalposts. ANd it really doesn’t matter what your intentions are when their intentions are so, so wrong.
You were all abused horribly by this terrible person.
Maybe I feel more sorry for Amy’s parents than anyone else. I can’t even begin to imagine what a horrible situation this must be for them, to see the daughter they raised grow into such a manipulative, compulsive liar. And more than anything, deeply sick.
While I think your intentions in all of the mess involving the conventions and charity were good, I don’t believe Amy/Jordan/Andrew has any intention other than to control those around him by whatever means necessary. He’s a con artist and a fraud. I believe he’s truly dangerous.
I was so glad to see you over on Turimel’s blog coming to peace with one another. I hope those who are still playing “Let’s you and her fight” shut up once and for all, quit fanning this, and let these people get on with the healing they need to do.
Good luck.
Wow, that’s a powerful response. I am so glad you got out of your elf cult! Its amazing, what we can let ourselves believe if we are desperate enough!
Contrary to appearances, I have tremendous compassion for Turimel. She has hurt me very, very badly over the years and done a lot of damage to me, but I don’t think vengeance was really her goal. Not always, anyway. To her credit, we have been discussing things like rational adults.
Yes, I tipped her off to Andrew Blake/Thanfiction. At the time I was nowhere near ready to talk publicly about my experiences, but I definitely wanted to stop him. And, you know, even if Turi was looking for revenge, that’s not always bad. My husband called me the Fist of Karma at the time. And I absolutely believe that being open about what happened is the only way to healing. For myself, for others who have been in cults.
I do not believe there is hope for Jordan, having been closest to him for a very eventful five years. I do draw a line of discretion around the few joint therapy sessions I had with him in the time immediately before I left, but I will say that there are things wrong with him that go far beyond charisma and the bottomless need for attention and power. I do not think that he will ever be “fixed.” I have endless compassion and sympathy for his family (who I am still in touch with, and to whom my mother remains close). They are kind, good people who don’t deserve any of the terrible things their child has put them through. I still hear from them occasionally. I am sure it pains them to see that I’m an Atheist as they are very devout. I hope they don’t think that their child caused me to “turn away from god,” but I can’t control anyone else’s belief.
We can only tell the truth as we see it, which is why I hold close the words of Carl Sagan: “I am comfortable with ambiguity.” Be well.
I never knew how needy I was until I got sucked in by that cult. I had a good family, I had friends. I thought I was smart.
I still got sucked in.
For whatever reason, it wasn’t enough to be a normal human being, I had to be extra-special. I don’t know to this day what it was that made me feel the lack. Maybe because I was 16, and that’s the way 16-year olds are. Maybe I had a big ego that enjoyed the idea that I might be extraordinary. I don’t know.
What I do know is that I am almost 50 years old, and that horrible experience still haunts me. I have had nothing to do with those people since I was about 25. They continued to harass me for years after. This was harder to pull off before the internet, but more personal when you’re at a convention and someone is in your face.
I didn’t let go so easily, either. I felt it was my duty to protect other people. I was on a mission to stop the cult. I spent years telling my tale and trying to get people to get out. I can relate to both you and Turimel. I was in the cult and abused by it, but I also spent years trying to save people from getting involved in it. People told me over and over to just get over it and move on. All I could think about was saving other people and finally being proven right when everyone else thought I was crazy to even be saying the things I was saying. Maybe I felt powerful helping others when I could not help myself. I don’t know. But often I wasn’t believed, or people didn’t care. In fandom, all this is just harmless fun, isn’t it?
I doubt if they’d have trouble believing it if I told them that I worshiped in a Jesus cult, but try telling people you believed in an alternate universe of elves, and see how much compassion you get.
Going to the authorities about the odd shit that goes on is the most humiliating experience imaginable. When you’re finally outside of it, and realize what nonsense you believed, and what a mess of your life it has made, you don’t want anyone to know.
In our little cult, the universe was shaped like a banana (yes, that is how it was described,) but we also lived many lives and existences at once. So this thing about the multiverse and simultaneous lives? I first ran into this crap about 1978. I will never forget having to explain some of this to the police, and the looks on their faces. To this day, many of my friends and family do not know all the details. I am too ashamed to tell them.
My life is fine now, and I’m very happy for everyone who ever got burned by Amy/Jordan/Andrew that they have been able to move on and live productive lives. But I truly understand all the anger, and hurt and chaos, because more than 25 years after I walked away from these crazy people and their elf swapping parties, reading your account and Turimel’s accounts leave me shaking with anger and fear.
I hope everyone who has ever gotten anywhere near Amy/Jordan/Andrew gets the help they no doubt need. I’m sure I spent so much time reading Turimel’s blog because I got a vicarious pleasure out of seeing one of these fannish cult crazies get called out on it. Finally.
But for my own sanity, I have to walk away from all of this. I can’t look anymore right now. Maybe I’ll come back later, but this is opening some old wounds for me.
Good luck to all of you. It does get better.
But it takes awhile. And sometimes it comes back.
I’m posting anonymously for lots of reasons, mostly because Turimel is crazy and she has my email address. I agree with everything your mother has so beautifully said. I am so happy that you have such a strong source of support in your life, and I’m glad you have been able to heal from your experiences. People who haven’t been in abusive situations simply can’t understand how it is to wake up one day and find yourself trapped, nor can they know how difficult it is to get out. Add to that the years of harassment and lunacy coming from Turi, and you had one hell of a journey to make. I’m really glad you made it.
I have known Turi (online only) through the rings fandom for many years. I was somewhat aware of the Jordan drama as it unfolded, but only knew vague details. Once Turi started telling her story, I was pretty shocked to read her version of events, and was initially sympathetic. I think a lot of people probably felt that way, actually. Then she kept going with it… and going… and going. For years. Nine of them. It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that I have come to the conclusion that she is 100% batshit insane. I know that’s flippant but I say this with absolute seriousness and complete conviction: she is mentally ill. Others have said it and I agree – nothing you can say or do will ever satisfy her. This drama has taken on a life of its own and honestly if she got everything she was demanding tomorrow, she would have such an emptiness that I’m certain she would find some way to keep it going. Nine years is a very long time and she LIVES for this now. Well, that and these two musicians in Russia who she has apparently started a music company for. She is completely obsessed with these two men… I’ve often wondered what on earth her poor husband thinks about it. But that’s another story for another day. On the bright side, if they eventually do her wrong (either for real or in her own head) at least it will take some of the heat off of you. I wonder if she’d fly to russia and scream at them? Yeah, probably.
Another thing I wanted to add to this – the straw that broke the camel’s back for me as far as Turimel goes was her reaction to the murder / shooting that involved Jordan (Andy). She was positively gleeful and it was disgusting. It’s vile that a woman (who is supposed to be a doctor, dedicated to the saving of human lives) could be so happy over a situation so tragic. Before that I just thought she was nuts and rolled my eyes whenever she wrote some new thing about the Jordan situation. But when she reveled in an innocent woman’s death simply because it provided her with “proof” that she was “right all along” about how dangerous Jordan was, I realized what a sick person she really is.
I can’t disagree with your assertion that Turimel has gone nuts over this whole thing, but I will say that I never had the impression that she was “gleeful” or “happy” about the murder. Did she go way too far in assigning blame for the shooting to Andrew? Absolutely. But she also expressed regret that (she felt) she hadn’t done enough to warn people about him, to prevent him from latching on to others and taking advantage of them as he’d done in Rings fandom. To me, it didn’t seem like she was saying, “Ha! I was right, bitches, and now I have proof that he’s dangerous!” What I read was, “I told you he was dangerous. I was right, and I didn’t want to be.” It seems to me that the people who have accused Turimel of enjoying that whole situation are just as guilty of making assumptions as she is.
FWIW I didn’t think she was “gleeful” either. She was not tactful, but she wasn’t happy about it either. I read it the same way you did, Anon. But then, I also know how dangerous Andrew/Jordan is. And up until the last week and a half, I am one of the last people who would have cut Turi any slack.
I never planned to speak about this again, but now it’s me who has an apology to make. Anger is such an unpredictable beast. I am ashamed to say that in my last post, I managed to say something as hurtful as all the things I have read about my own child. And I couldn’t even see it until I cooled off and read it for myself.
I called Amy a horrible name. And I know first-hand how superficial, mean and bullying that is. There is another family involved, as hurt, confused and heart-broken as I was. During all the bad years, that family and I shared a horrendous experience, and were loving and compassionate to each other. And then, in what seemed like a cleansing moment, I did to them what Jeanine did to us, by disregarding their feelings and the complexity of this entire tragic situation. I could have made my point without ever saying anything about their child. Shame on me.
Sometimes anger and hatred create a kind of energy and determination. This determination, however, rarely has good consequences because the energy created by anger is blind, harmful and can even be fatal. Let us have compassion for each other.
Those are not my words, they are the words of the Dalai Lama. Let us all remember, when we jump into inflammatory conversations, how easy it is to inflict deep pain on innocent people, even people who have shown us nothing but the greatest kindness and understanding! I hope we all remember that no matter how sensational the story is, there are other layers about which we know nothing, other people who will be our victims. Clearly I also have more lessons to learn.
So, to another family still in pain, I apologize for careless, wounding and unnecessary language. If anyone reading this would be kind enough to post it, as well, on Jeanine’s site, I would appreciate it. And thank you for considering my words, in this greater, sad story. I have my own wonderful child back, and I deeply hope the same outcome for them.
You are truly an amazing mother and person, Penny!! I never thought there was another woman as amazing, supportive,compassionate as my own mother, but here you are!! Bless your amazing heart!!
Wow, what more can be said that what has been posted already? I was one of those deeply hurt by Abbey’s/Jordan’s actions. I was the one who Abbey said was attacked in my own home. Up to that point Abbey and I had been best friends, knowing each other since 1995 when we met at WOU. The attack at my home was devastating to me for a long time. I was left in a state of confusion, fear, anger and hurt by what had happened. What had I done? What did I miss? Am I a terrible friend that somehow deserved this? Over time those feelings subsided, but a bit of hurt still remained. Then I discovered Jeanine’s book. I was horrified by what I read. However, in a way, things started to make sense. I started to understand what was going on in the months leading up to, and after, this attack. There was a reason why we had become so distant over the past year or so. Admittedly I felt a bit smug at first, but that was quickly extinguished by a real sense of pity and sadness for what had happened. My once best friend was involved in a bizarre cult and was living a life of desparation. I truly felt sorry for her, and was no longer angry, but just prayed instead that she would be o.k. I think it was at that point that I forgave her, though I didn’t realize it at the time. I was taken by surprise some time later when I got a sincere, heartfelt apology from her. For me, that was just the “icing on the cake”, really. I found I had already forgiven her. Forgiveness has been an incredible blessing, both for me and I think for Abbey too. I can’t imagine what it must be like to hold on to anger for so long. True, I didn’t lose any money like others did. However, I was lied to, I was betrayed. I thought I had lost a cherished friendship forever. Perhaps the only people that were hurt more emotionally were Abbey’s mom and family, and maybe her ex-husband. I’d like to think that my comments carry some weight here when I say that forgiveness really is possible and is infinitely preferrable to holding on to one’s anger.
I personally admire very much Abbey’s ability to pick the pieces up and build a new life for herself. I admire her courage in putting her life’s adventures and mistakes up on a blog for the world to see, knowing what criticism it could draw from others. I hope she continues to blog.
And, I accept her apology. I think we live in a culture where apologizing is seen as showing weakness. It’s a rare thing to find someone with the humility and maturity to truly own up and make amends for his/her mistakes. As the injured party, I think it is our responsibility to forgive and let go as well. That is no weakness either. It doesn’t mean one needs to be friends again, certainly. However, I am happy to say that Abbey and I talk to each other now pretty regularly, and hang out at times as our schedules allow. Is our relationship the same as it was before all this? Perhaps not. But then again, we’re different people now. Better people, I think.
I’m not much of a writer, but I felt like my side of the story should be told as well. Take it for what it’s worth.
I just want to first second everything the above commenter said.
I’ve been a spectator to this whole saga since the early days — not involved whatsoever, but as a long-time FW reader and so on. It’s interesting, how often I end up being reminded of it; small things, like my friend drinking VB beer, or my flatmate (a crew member working on The Hobbit) discussing his work… or earlier today, when I noticed the new dish washing liquid in our flat was “Orange Blossom” scented. It made me stop and wonder how you were. Quite a surprising coincidence that I stumbled on a link your blog a few hours later!
I, too, am impressed by how level-headed and sane you come across. I’m also impressed by how readily you accept your guilt where relevant, without turning it into an attention-seeking pity party like so often happens with sequels to internet drama sagas.
And I feel for you. I’ve been victim to abusers myself in early adulthood. I spent my childhood and youth in and out of cults, with my family. I think for some people it’s really hard to understand just how easily one can be convinced of outlandish mystical bullshit when it’s presented via the “right” methods. It’s scary. Really scary. I’m glad you’re willing to tell your side of the story, to potentially help others who are being led into that kind of situation — because it’s more common than people think.
I think this is one of the first times in this whole saga that I’ve really found a voice I can largely sympathise with (aside from a few bit players). Mostly, it’s been Andy vs. Turimel, and… well. I don’t think I need to elaborate.
Congratulations on the positive changes you’ve made with your life and the family you’re building. I mean it. It takes courage to free yourself from an abusive situation, and it takes courage to stand up and admit you’ve made mistakes.
Hi. Forgive me for not signing with a name, but I really don’t want to get pulled in by this mess anymore than I have to. I felt that I had to say something, and rather than try to reason with a person who’s never going to want to listen, I figured I’d try to do something positive instead.
Your blog is actually the first time I’ve been exposed to large amounts of your writing. As a longtime fandom_wank member, I’m of course familiar with Turimel’s “voice” and, well, Jordan’s presence in the internet is quite extensive. I am pleasantly surprised by how level-headed, yet confident, you seem to be. Other people in your situation might be cowed by the barrage of rage being thrown your way, but you’ve apologized and taken the higher road, responding quite politely, yet refusing to give in to her self-righteous victim complex.
I’d tell you to ignore her, but to be honest–it wouldn’t be out of character for her to try to ruin your life, your marriage, your livelihood… anyway she can. I do hope that you know at this point that there’s quite literally nothing you can say that will satisfy her. Even if you give in to her absolutely ridiculous demands, she will always want more, she’ll always say she’s not quite convinced. It’ll never be enough. She’ll always go back to her journal to froth, where people will validate her.
I hope you’re able to move on completely. Someone said elsewhere that she and you are at the same stage of grief, but I don’t believe that. You’re much farther in your way to being fully healed than she is. Good luck with your writing, and I don’t think you have to worry about her dredging up this old bullshit if you ever become famous! Most uninvolved third parties are going to see these comment wars and come with the impression that therapy would help her quite a bit.
Thanks, Wanka. I appreciate your comments. I’m not worried about her ruining my life, family or livelyhood; everyone in my life already knows about her, and since I’m not doing anything wrong, all she can do is talk about things that happened a decade ago. Keep calm & wank on.
Amen!! …And what Penny said times a million!
I am Abbey’s mother, and this message is for you, Jeanine. I’ve spent nine years in silence, reading your colorful writing on the subject of my daughter.
I’ve watched you hold up yourself as the judge and arbiter of everything that has gone on regarding my daughter. And I finally feel I can’t let it go any
longer. My child passed through an agonizing period which I wouldn’t even begin to try to explain to you, because what your eyes refuse to see, your
heart will never understand. My daughter was very troubled and vulnerable, gullible in the extreme through some horrible life experiences. She owns her
mistakes now. I personally saw her through it, and participated in extensive therapy to “de-program” her. I witnessed her struggle personally.
No one every imagines her daughter will be the prey of as sick and psychotic a cult leader as Amy Player is, nor that her delusions and vulnerabilities will pull her in so deep that she becomes
a cult member. That is what I learned happened to my child. She has worked very, very VERY hard for many years to become the beautiful soul she is today.
She has explained it herself, to the extent she feels necessary. She has been absolutely honest. But nothing, nothing, nothing is enough to feed the
rage you feel. Here’s a news flash, Jeanine – your rage is at your own stupidity. And nothing will satisfy it. Nothing, because it really has nothing
to do with my daughter. It’s about you and your own weakness and self-centeredness.
And though most people don’t fall into the dark, lost cave that Abbey entered, neither do they dig their way out easily. She has. Everything she has said
in her blog is the absolute truth, and I have stood by her side as she rebuilt her mind, her integrity, her dignity, her grace. And she’s there. I’m so
proud of her, I could talk about it for the rest of my life. But not to you, Jeanine. You, who have ridden this train of vengance, resentment, anger,
vitriole, and self-agrandizing bullshit like you are chasing your own fame. A physician! Where was that fine, scientific, analytical mind when this
happened? It’s an interesting story how you came to surrender your license. You’ve managed to keep the spotlight off your own inadequacies, haven’t you?
You said, “In my defense, I”ve been angry with you for a very long time, Abbey, and for good reason. I think you of all people can appreciate that under
stress, people sometimes say shitty things.” Well, Jeanine, you are certainly the expert on that. Through anger, the truth looks simple. People in a
rage often say a lot of silly, terrible things they actually mean. But anger, like milk, should not be kept too long. It’s perverted you. Your the sick
one now. Anger made you stupid, Jeanine.
You are completely ignorant of the truth, however. You seem incapable of introspection or analysis about your own ignorance. But ignorance is not
innocence…ignorance is the mother of horrible presumptions. You have spent the past nine years ignorantly trying to justify your collosal lack of
common sense. My opinion, and that of a fine psychiatrist, is that you are so rage-filled because you are deluded, yourself. You have deflected
your own poor judgement onto my daughter. You are hiding behind this rage…for nine years, no less!
The first time I met Amy Player, I knew instantly that she was a girl, not a boy, and I am no physician. But you, you bought the entire facade. You have
tried hard to cover your inconceivable bad judgement. Mistakes are a fact of life. It’s the response to error that counts, that really describes a
person’s character. I can see, as can any reader of her blog, how she has responded to her mistakes.
How have you responded to yours? We can all read that, too.
Hell hath no fury like a fanatic asked to explain why she’s doing what she’s doing. Fanatics are boring and unreliable, as many of your followers are
beginning to see. It’s not “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” with you. It’s a thousand…a hundred thousand…eyes and teeth for you! And now
you’ve become someone who can’t see a belt without striking below it. “She’s spawned”. REALLY, JEANINE???
Here’s my 2 cents for YOU. If you are being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade. Get out of “town”, Jeanine. Go see
a therapist and start working on yourself.
So now come after me…really let me have it! Fight with an intelligent, mature adult, instead of abusing a young woman who’s rebuilt her life from
ashes to dignity and honor. Keep it going and see where it leads you. I can’t be as graceful as my daughter in all this. You are a mother, so I assume
you understand the rage I, personally, have built up against you. Leave my daughter alone, you fixated, narcissistic, deluded, defensive, vengeful,
bloviating gasbag.
You are my hero. Plain and simple, full stop. I hope Jeanine reads this, but I don’t think she will.
Aside from anything else, it’s definitely an interesting story how she might have surrendered her license when she actually still has it. In all the she-said-she-said going around it doesn’t help at all to add things that are easily proven untrue in under thirty seconds (it’s available from the Oregon Medical Board) and doesn’t really help your case.
Abbey, first let me say that I’m a total spectator in this whole affair. I wasn’t involved back then, was only peripherally aware of a dustup in the LotR fan community. I remember hearing about the garden (a family member lived nearby at the time); I lived in Seattle when planning for Tentmoot was underway, and remember thinking, wouldn’t that be fun to run down there for the weekend?? I knew vaguely that the gathering didn’t happen but never understood why. I found online references to you and Jordan and your misadventures, which eventually led me to Jeanine’s book.
There seems to be contention about many details, but I think it’s important to acknowledge the larger picture, which you’ve done. You acknowledge that you made mistakes, told lies, hurt people. I’ve appreciated the details you’ve written about your relationship with Jordan; you’re lucky you made it out alive with your soul intact, which I think you realize. Good for you! You’re stronger than I bet you thought you could be. 🙂
Here’s my point (and I do have one):
When I say “you” here, I’m referring to anybody who’s grown up to the point of realizing her mistakes and wanting to make things right in order to create a good life. It can be really difficult, when you’re trying to heal your life and make amends, to accept the people you’ve hurt right where they are. You can be in a place of, “wow, I really screwed up when I was young and stupid and didn’t know my own mind. I’m sorry and ready to move on”; and the people you harmed are still back there, feeling the pain of betrayal and the anger of watching others struggle with the aftereffects of what happened. They haven’t worked through things to the extent you might have.
The correct thing to do, to avoid doing more harm, is to allow that; to accept that they’re still working through things. It’s obvious to me that Jeanine’s in that place. Not surprising, really; she hasn’t been given the opportunity to talk to you about this. Until now.
I saw a couple of posts between you somewhere on here about the Elanor Book that she made which was accidentally destroyed, and your compassionate response to her. So much more constructive and positive than the blame game, which it seems to me you’re both still indulging in.
I hope the two of you can get past this somehow, if only for your own continued healing. One of your friends commented on here about working together to figure out how to stop him once and for all. Wouldn’t that be an amazing end to this saga?
Blessings to you and your beautiful family.
Thank you. I really appreciate your comments, and your attempts at mediation. Although I still have anger towards Jeanine for things she has said and done I really don’t want to play the “Oh yeah, you were THIS mean to me!” game. I’m always interested in moving forward and doing good. And as I said in my comment above, neither Jeanine nor I are the good guy OR the bad guy in this situation. We’re both women who were hurt (and hurt each other) because of a predator. THAT is what matters most.
“We’re both women who were hurt (and hurt each other) because of a predator. THAT is what matters most.”
Exactly. There’s been so much taking of sides (not just here, everywhere this person and these events are discussed) that this point gets lost. And he gets away with it, again.
Like a lot of people who’ve heard the tale of “tentmoot” from Turimel, I took her at her word that her version of what had happened was correct. And since you had never posted your side of the tale, I felt justified in coming to all the wrong conclusions about the situation, and for that I’m sorry. Though to be honest, lots of people have already come to the conclusion Turimel is just a bitter, “crazy” stalker who’s way too invested in being a victim.
I think any woman who has been in an abusive and manipulative relationship could sympathize with what you went through with Andy. It takes years after finally leaving an abuser to recover self esteem and start building on something good, and I applaud how you’ve grown and how you’re handling this situation. It’s a shame that you have to publicly revisit a time in your life when you were probably at your lowest just because Turimel refuses to move past the fact that she was lied to by people she really didn’t know (and who, if she’d had any common sense, she wouldn’t have trusted in the first place — no offense!) and she lost a fairly nominal amount of money. And for that she’s been stalking you for almost ten years.
Having been the victim of a stalker who’d felt I’d wronged him, I can tell you that there really isn’t anything you can say to Turimel that will change her mind. She is so invested in being a victim, and by holding on to you being the bad guy who never properly apologized or made restitution and by stalking your current endeavors and searching for some new tidbit that she can point to as explanation of why you’re still abusing her (how dare you be happy!!!), she perpetually gets to be the victim. And just like all the people who were hoodwinked by Andy, there are enough people online who’ll read her tale and spoonfeed her the sympathy she thinks is her right, thus making this a perpetuating cycle.
I’m glad that you’re holding your head high, and you should be proud of the changes you’ve made in your life. I know how truly difficult that is.
Good luck with your writing and new baby!
I think its safe to say that everyone makes mistakes in their youth. Abbey, I have read many of your blogs, and I know that you have opened yourself up and been very vulnerable to accept responsibility for the part that you played while you were with Jordan/Amy. As for this Jeanine person, I feel bad for her that she chooses to play the victim and can’t move beyond that role in life. “Genuine forgiveness does not deny anger but faces it head-on.” ~Alice Duer Miller
“Forgiveness means letting go of the past. ” ~Gerald Jampolsky
Jeanine, All I have to say is no matter what has happened in the past, Abby is my friend and I love her, and I TRUST HER!! Now I think you are being incredibly immature about all this. Plain and simple, the fact that you still give this crap so much energy so many years later speaks volumes to your character (or lack thereof). I understand the pain betrayal can cause. I spent 7 years of my life being “held hostage” by my husband. He did every kind of betrayal a husband can possibly do to his wife. I never got an apology for it. I just got out, cut my losses and moved on. The things I went through have made me a wiser, stronger woman. If I can find good in years of tortuous hell, you can find the good in this….forgive…and MOVE THE FUCK ON!! GEE WHIZ!!
This is so fucking strange to me. People have screwed me over and lied to me and manipulated me out of my hard earned money. People that I have trusted. And I know that they know what they did and I hope that they forever think back to their behavior and choices and regret it and feel remorse for their disgusting actions. But do I carry MY anger with me, letting it fester like a poison in my own heart– growing like a black cancer, that years later still causes me undue anger, stress, anxiety, frustration? No. What a fucking waste of my own beautiful life that would be!!!
Jeanine- you keep asking if Abbey has made any effort to “set things right / made reparation / admit her wrong doing”…. putting aside the obvious fact that she clearly has, even if she hadn’t, what’s in it for YOU?!? What are you adding to your own life by holding onto this grudge so strongly? WHO CARES about what happened all those years ago??
You’ve spent the last many years defining yourself as a victim. At what point does that get old? Is that how you want to see yourself when you look in the mirror? Wouldn’t you rather see yourself as the generous and thoughtful and understanding woman you describe yourself as above? Because ‘that’ woman would look beyond their own hurt feelings and embarrassment and being played and get help and get over it.
I am glad you got away from the stalker named Jeanine…scary stuff…I am going through a similar stalking situation…This guy cannot stop talking about me in every conversation and I know he has a license to carry a gun legally. He sounds a lot like Jeanine. I hope that she gets the help she badly needs to get over you. Hatred this old is VERY scary!
“I am not going to resign myself that I can’t do any good in the world because I fucked up when I was young.”
Lady, I don’t know you, but I kind of love you right now. All day I’ve been reading this blog every time the kids let me read (which, okay: during naps and while they’re eating. So not all that much time really. But AS MUCH TIME AS I HAD, is the point), and I for one am convinced and impressed by the person you’ve become. (Aside from which you’ve made the whole hobbit-channelling thing both more understandable and even more fascinatingly bizarre.)
And your posts about your son are adorable and hilarious.
Hey, thanks for that. I hear you on the naps and eating. I’m only online in spurts, and right now he’s having a little quiet time. He’s been busy today; he discovered the rock climbing wall in the garage and very excited playing with Daddy.
If I thought a rock climbing wall would wear off some of my two year old’s energy, I would honest to God install one RIGHT NOW. 😀
Jeanine,
Seriously? 9 years later? All of this hostility? You say, “I appreciate that, despite the fact that you told lies and did things that were harmful, you were actually also a victim of a malevolent sociopath. I GET that, Abbey.”
If this were actually the case you would also “get” that you probably need some therapy yourself. When trust is broken and someone feels hurt and/or betrayed they should seek help. Not harbor the poison of resentment. It will eat you from the inside out. I’m sure you can already feel it happening.
As you can plainly see Abbey (since you so conveniently stumbled onto this blog) has sought and received help in “recovering” from having been victimized herself. It was because of the power of FORGIVENESS, her loving MOTHER and supportive FAMILY that she was able to develop the envious life that she has now (BTW, the whole “spawn” thing, not cool. Not cool at all. That’s my baby cousin you’re talking about. Watch your words.)
You only begin to truly heal if you learn to forgive those who have forsaken you. That takes some help sometimes. Looks like Abbey has a jump start on ya. Better get a move on.
Jeanine…i dont know u from a hole in the wall but let me say this….the fact that you call friends “minions” says a lot about your character. The fact that you’d use something that someone else (a minion) wrote, even in the heat of anger, to denegrate Abbeys child, just flat out says u r a bitch. Now you may not like that a stranger said that and that’s fine but sometimes it’s a strangers insights that have the most impact bc after all I have no investment in this story so I can’t be accused of bias. don’t bother attacking me here….I won’t be coming back looking for your reply bc frankly I don’t care what it is.
Secondly, (if u r even still reading) you freely agree that this Amy/Jordan person “terrorized” Abbey (and others it’s clear) but you are UNWILLING to spend the same energy to heal yourself via therapy etc than you are to continually post that Abbey did this, and Abbey did that. This speaks volumes about you. I’ve read BOTH blogs and honestly I see far more self accountability in Abbeys than I have ever seen on yours. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to focus on LETTING IT GO and healing yourself instead of continually looking for Abbey (and probably others in this mess) to heal it for you by apologizing in exactly the way YOU have decided is necessary.
True healing and happiness can only come from within Jeanine.
Just sayin…..
“Do you get that I have every right to feel rage and distrust, after the things YOU did (whether or not you were doing them because Amy terrorized you into it?)”
Abbey. You make some very hostile accusations, for someone who also victimized others.
This post is the FIRST TIME you have ever, EVER, issued any sort of apology to me. I haven’t talked to Sue lately, but I doubt you have gone to her and apologized. Or to Mali, or the Twins, or John and Talisha… Need I go on?
Let’s get something straight: YOU have a VERY LONG history of deliberately lying to me. Period. You started it, you kept it going during a period of friendship, then it continued after I discovered your lies. Whether or not you think I’ve exaggerated or spread half-truths, Abbey, the onus was, is, and will be on YOU to make amends for what you’ve done, to me and to others. I couldn’t read more than a few lines of this blog. Why? Because I have NO REASON to believe you are being honest–and I have EVERY REASON to believe this is just another steaming heap of doo-doo. Why? Because I’ve born witness to the kind of lies you shoveled out. I KNOW you are capable, just as Amy is, of lying through your teeth and making it sound true.
I appreciate that you are in recovery. I appreciate that you had to hit rock bottom and be rescued by your mom in order to get out of the Cult of Amy. I appreciate that others are now getting screwed by Amy, even killed on behalf of her machinations, and that this indicates that Amy is a dangerous human being. I appreciate that, despite the fact that you told lies and did things that were harmful, you were actually also a victim of a malevolent sociopath. I GET that, Abbey.
Do you get that I cannot trust you? Do you get that calling me an inquisitor and a stalker (come on, really? Have I seen or spoken to you once since 2004?) does not exactly register as an attempt to set things right? Do you remember meeting me, working with me on Project Elanor stuff? Do you remember that I’m a kind and generous person at heart? That I bent over backwards to try to make Elanor a success? That I welcomed you and “Jordan” to my home, helped you find an apartment to live in here in Salem, loaned you money to put a roof over your head? That I did all those things because I was genuinely fond of you crazy kids? Do you GET that finding out that you were deliberately lying to me and manipulating me the whole time I was HELPING you and TAKING CARE OF YOU was like a sledgehammer to the chest?
Do you get that I have every right to feel rage and distrust, after the things YOU did (whether or not you were doing them because Amy terrorized you into it?)
My “minions” occasionally send me tidbits about you, just like the link to this blog. One of them told me that you’d “spawned,” which I agree was a shitty thing to say about a beautiful baby and I’m sorry I said that. In my defense, I’ve been angry with you for a very long time, Abbey, and for good reason. I think you of all people can appreciate that under stress, people sometimes say shitty things.
I’m not making accusations, Jeanine. I’m telling the truth, Believe me, I know that it is damn hard having your mistakes pointed out in public. Especially by someone you feel hurt and betrayed by. Because yes, I definitely feel hurt and betrayed by YOU as well. You have lied about ME, even in the comment I addressed in this post. You are directly responsible for extending how long I was with Jordan. I don’t see you taking any responsibility for that. It isn’t all one way, Jeanine. Neither of us are “the good guy” OR “the bad guy,” we’re both angry women who were hurt (and hurt each other) because of a predator.
If you want to go on with a list of people I’ve wronged, feel free. I wrote this post as a direct response to your “hot seat” questions, not as an all-encompassing massive reply to the entire situation. I said in the post that I’m telling my side bit by bit. I would dearly love to apologize to Sue, although I still have an email from her from several years ago, apologizing to me for coming to Hollywood Boulevard, saying she was no longer involved with your book, thought you had gone too far and encouraging Jordan and I to write a book – this was back when I was still with him.
John and Talisha? I don’t WANT to apologize to them. They kept visiting Jordan and I for months after the explosion of the convention. At their wedding, which you AND Talisha have gone on at length about us ruining? At the time, she and John ran up and hugged us and told us how happy they were that we had made it. Talisha even commented to the news crew that was there that she was thrilled we’d made it. We were her “unexpected guests” and I have it on VHS somewhere. They said they believed us. Said they stood by us. And then suddenly they left, and the next I heard John had designed the cover of your book. It isn’t like all the hurt and betrayal on earth happened to you. Other people? I can’t do more than say I’M SORRY I LIED TO EVERYONE, because I am. I keep saying that, but I won’t write it in blood for you.
I’ve lived a quiet life since I left Jordan. I’ve never done charity work, never been more involved in a fandom beyond a few fanfics back when I first came home – and even then it was for The Babysitters Club. I chose a screen name neither you nor Jordan knew. I only started publicly blogging after the death of my first son, as a way to deal with it. Finally I have felt strong enough to speak publicly about my experiences. It was my life, and I have every right to speak of it. And I have never hidden that I am hoping to become a published author; that’s been my goal since childhood, and I state it fairly explicitly in my post Book of Days. I don’t have a hidden agenda. I’m just standing in my truth, ideally so my story can help others. If it also helps you, John, Talisha, Sue, Mali, Crawfordwraith, Kenley, or the former-friend who is afraid of me (I’ve figured out who that is, by the way, and she has nothing to fear from me), then that’s wonderful. I have always, always liked helping people. Its what I wanted to do through all of Bit of Earth. Its why I wanted to do Project Elanor. I wanted (and still want) to make the world a better place than I found it. I sure as shit fucked that up, and my road to hell was certainly paved with my good intentions. But my intentions did and do matter.
And I do not have a “VERY LONG history of deliberately lying to you.” As you said yourself, you haven’t seen or spoken to me once since 2004. Which means I haven’t lied to you once in that time period. JORDAN has lied to you since then, but I have been silent. I lied to you plenty, and you have every right to be skeptical. I would hope that m y behavior thus far would be some evidence in my favor. But I didn’t start this blog to “make amends.” I started this blog to write. And to move on with my life. And to finally, completely be free of Jordan, because as long as I’m hiding from you, I’m covering for him. And I will not do that. I was capable of that kind of deception while I was in a mind control cult. If you really GET that, like you say you do, then you’d consider the possibility that I’m actually not the same fucked up kid I was. And the farther I get from 23, the younger I realize that is.
As for calling you the Grand Inquisitor…well, that’s kind of on you. Remember how you used to call yourself Turimada? As in Torquemada? You thought it was pretty funny then. You also called yourself the Turimator (Terminator). And as for calling you a stalker? Well…honestly Jeanine, there’s the very fact that you got a link to my blog the way you did, the fact that you immediately posted about it on your blog, the fact that you have often used the term “minions.” These are things you did, and I am not going to pretend otherwise. Not when I’m going to be (quite reasonably) held up to some intense scrutiny. I know it’s hard. But that’s reality. Consequences are consequences.
And like I said, your anger isn’t unjustified. I took advantage of you (and others, but I am talking to you right now). I lied to you. I betrayed you and I hurt you, and I am genuinely sorry for that.
But I am not going to grovel, or beg for your approval, or try to make nice, or pretend you haven’t caused terrible damage to me and my family.
And yes, I do understand people saying things in the heat of anger or under stress. I’ve certainly been guilty of that plenty of times. That doesn’t take back those hurtful words You and I both know that you can’t un-say things, no matter how much you might want to, no matter the reason you said them.
I think your side of this story very much needs to be told, Abbey. As you are doing. You have definitely come a long way.
Wow, I had no idea! I’m glad you were able to get out, cults are hard to break free from.
I’m interested to read a reply to this. If she has one.